I Have Worth

My name is Adam Agin, I am a passionate and artistic man.  I have a band called neulore. This is my journey of learning I have worth.

I grew up with parents who loved me. Parents who worked hard and didn’t get paid enough. There was a lot of turmoil in our home and money was a huge reason. I lived in conditions that I later found out were unconventional. But growing up, these conditions were normal to me. Conditions such as no running water, some winters with no heat, and getting a new phone number cause it got turned off the week before. Yes, there were “normal” seasons, but those times of my life aren’t what I remember. Yet I can vividly recall getting woken up by a huge rainstorm. You see, I had a hole in my ceiling in the corner of my bedroom and water was splashing off a trash can and hitting me in the face. I didn’t realize the effects of those conditions until more recently. But I know now that I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel protected.

 

I was a curious boy with a mischievous streak. I didn’t follow rules well and I learned early to manipulate to get what I want. You would likely find me on my bike or at a basketball court, trying to avoid home. There were older neighborhood boys who became friends and a bad influence on me. They introduced me to pornography at the age of six and not long after I was sexual abused by one of those boys. This is where I met shame. Shame became a close friend of mine for longer than I’d like to admit (still a first name basis)… I began to believe the lie that I wasn’t good enough and that it was my fault.

 

I want to fast forward a little bit. Home life got better through my high school years. Church groups, show choir, baseball team yada yada yada.

 

The lie started young, but as I hit my twenties I began to pursue a music career. This part is really where my worth began to balance on such a thin wire. The honest truth is it started out of a place of having a desire to be known. I wanted to be loved. I was creative and so I channeled it. But I had an unhealthy motive. This led to many heartbreaks and failed attempts. My worth was dangling on compliments and successes of my career. Which taught me I had to earn being loved. I had to do a dance or in my case, sing you a song to be important. And the times I wasn’t good, or didn’t hit that note, or didn’t write the perfect lyric. I was no one.

 

I turned thirty this year and I really had to go face to face with some of my real issues. I started going to a twelve step recovery as well as seeing counselors to help me walk through being abused. And as I have taken the risk of cleaning out my skeletons, I have got to meet myself again. That bright and adventurous little boy who is worthy of love not because of his talents or success, but just because he matters. For so long I believed I had to do something of importance to be loved. And Thank God, I know I’m loved and have worth for no reason. I finally don't have fear radiating in my chest that what I’m going to create isn’t going to be good enough. Every day is a choice to keep walking in vulnerability and to get closer to who I was made to be.  Thank you for reading. I want you to know that you have worth no matter what you’ve gone through. If you would be so bold, I would love to hear your story.

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